Food for practice

I watched what felt like my 100th documentary about people living in poverty the other week. This time about garment workers in Bangladesh. I can’t get the young mother out of my head who, having no other choice, had to leave her young daughter in the country with family so she could work in the city factory. Although she knew she might only see her daughter once or twice a year; this was the only choice if she wanted her child (about the age of my own child) to attend school, grow up outside a factory, and have a chance at a better life. Her name is Shima Akhter.

I have learned about and wept for the soul destroying suffering of my fellow mothers around the world and each time I learn more I commit instantly to helping in some way. I always seem though to return, mostly, to life as normal within a heartbeat. Life gets busy, I get sick, my son gets sick, my job gets stressful, and I get consumed by my own micro sufferings. I forget about the women drowning in desperate circumstances while still being far more brave and resilient than I would ever be in those circumstances. Shima would then usually join the “forgotten” in my mind.

But this time it feels different. I can’t get that Shima out of my head. Or, the mother at the end of the same film whose baby lies coughing on the floor of the toxic factory while his mother works beside him. A switch has gone on and I can’t turn it off. I can’t seem to forget or deny that blindly and selfishly living my comfortable middle-class life while other mothers are separated from their children, forced to watch them die of hunger or wilt away due to toxic environments, and ferry them across unforgiving seas in the dead of the night to escape a wave of death, is an acceptable way to live for me.

You would think by now that I have learned enough through school, work, these brilliantly descriptive documentaries, and my own experience, and would have gotten on the compassion path long before now. But, like the imperfect human I am, I quickly forget the suffering of others after a short while and get pulled by comforts, habits, and unspoken or articulated social norms in my life (not to mention a lack of self discipline in thought and action). This is because the theory and intent of “being a better person” is easier than the daily practice.

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This last month we have been saving and cutting costs so we can make some more dramatic changes to our lifestyle. I began to return to the food question. I always somehow do. Food and agriculture are my passions. It is the groove I feel most at home in. My husband has also long counted the dollars spent on the food that has just been thrown out and on the cupboards filled with luxury ingredients that sit unused until they expire. He’s long harassed me, sometimes fairly and sometimes not, about the complexity of the meals we were making, the hard to find ingredients, and my disinterest in eating leftovers.

So, in our overall effort to save money and practice a more frugal compassionate lifestyle, we spent the month trying to cut the food bill while still eating healthy and sustainable food. We started by trying to eat mostly from our fridge, cupboard and freezer and to shop only for what we deemed were the fresh essentials or filler items to complete recipes. It was effective: I calculated a savings of about $390 (CAN) for the month (not counting the savings from food not thrown out). The number would be a good $50 higher in savings if I hadn’t fallen back into the habit of buying expensive items to make a dinner for some friends coming over. All in all we halved our monthly food costs.

In the month of frugal food planning my eyes opened to the amount of waste we used to produce due to bad planning and busyness.  It also reminded me of the difficulty of shopping on a strict budget. The challenge reminded me of the food poverty of my childhood where my mother, using every penny intentionally to feed four children, very carefully planned all our meals with most of them coming from the bulk food section. It made me think about whether it was possible to design a menu that fulfilled the criteria of my food values that would be accessible to everyone. Could I design a menu for a family of three living in one of the most expensive cities in North America that was low cost, healthy, sustainable, and produced zero waste? Could this be replicated by a single mother in a low income job?

Food for me is where two forces collide: The art and pleasure of slow food and the politics of hunger. I am a lover of food in a romantic, passionate, and joyful way. I have always been deeply interested and invested in the health qualities, taste, growing and politics of food. I am passionate about farmers markets, organic produce, fair trade products and low impact eating. I have experimented with many different diets to find the sweet spot of healthy and sustainable (sometimes successfully and sometimes not). However, for the most part these sustainable options seem accessible only to the middle and upper classes and overall to white folk. All you need to do is look at the alternative grocer Pomme in my city of Coquitlam and you don’t see a lot of single mothers with welfare food budgets shopping there. In fact when I asked a low income immigrant single mother of two where she preferred to shop she said Superstore, the bargain grocer which also happened to be closer to her and to transit.

As we have been cutting costs and being mindful of our food choices the worlds that the poor and the comparatively rich live in have become embarrassingly clear. In 2017, with all our knowledge and technology, healthy, culturally appropriate and sustainable food should be abundant and affordable. In the middle class, we pat ourselves on the back for knowing better and caring more as we buy our high-end produce and organic meats. I know I have. But this seems to have nurtured a two-tier system where we encourage vendors and drive policies that produce healthy sustainable food only at a high cost inaccessible to the marginally less rich than us. Like private school or private health care we can pay for our better product instead of doing the harder work of fighting for equality within the system at the political level so that everyone can access these necessities.

Here is where the rubber hits the road. I only complain about transit when I take it and realize that getting to work takes an hour with three transfers rather than 20 minutes in my car. I only want to improve and fight for a better public education system when my child is in a public school and this school is getting funding cuts. I only care about the quality of public health care when I cannot afford to pay for better care and there are long waits. Food is no different. Only when I realize that it is near impossible for me to feed my family a healthy and sustainable diet on a limited budget do I begin to see the system inequities that I was blind to only moments before. The truth is I am not a very good person by nature. I have to work pretty hard to get out of my head and sweep out the ingrained selfishness that pervades most of my everyday thoughts and actions.

This is where eating then becomes a way to practice compassion and mindfulness. I was recently reading a chapter of Pema Chodren’s book “When things fall apart: heart advice for difficult times” and she spoke to something so true for me. She told a story about how once on a bus in San Francisco she read an article about applying compassion to a suffering world and she was so overcome by emotion that she wept right there on the bus. At that moment she dedicated herself to wholehearted compassionate living and service to others only to arrive home to a phone call which tested her resolve immediately. A friend needed a favour and she was too tired. She turned them down. Her lesson here is how the daily practice of the Buddhist philosophy of compassion in the real life of schedules, busyness, and exhaustion was a real challenge.

For me this is the truth of food in my life. Nothing breaks my heart more violently than the hunger of children around the world. When I hear reports of children picking through garbage dumps for scraps of food or dying of starvation I cannot bare it. Even in my own country 60% of children in the North are food insecure and malnourished. But, when I am shopping for my own family I think nothing of spending $5 on a single loaf of bread or purchasing $10 organic yogurt. I feel pretty self righteous about how much better I am than the next regular yogurt purchaser when I do it too. I know that the single mother I talked to who lives in social housing with her two young kids cannot afford organic yogurt. There may be days when she cannot afford yogurt (or whatever she sees as essential) at all.

So, there is great value in practicing the art of walking in the shoes of those less fortunate for extended periods of time. It is too easy to forget other people’s suffering in daily life when this suffering is not our own. Practicing living closer to this suffering and intentionally choosing not to strive to increase our own comforts can then be a powerful practice of compassion and a more honest way of living in the world.

It might be that the only thing I can do to help that Shima in Bangladesh is to never buy into fast fashion again. It is a small but meaningful effort not to feed a global system that causes so much destruction. It’s perhaps an easy thing to do for someone like myself who is not really that interested in fashion (to the general horror of my more stylish friends). This might be a harder shift for someone who loves to shop and buy new clothes frequently or a low income family shopping for clothing for their kids. In other words it’s easy to do the easy things. For me buying my clothes at consignment stores is the easy thing.

But, right here in Canada, in my own quiet suburb, there are people suffering from very solvable problems that I ignore quite on the regular because they are not so easy for me. There is really no reason I can think of for anyone in my region to go hungry. Actually, there is no reason why anyone shouldn’t be able to access delicious, culturally appropriate, sustainable, and healthy food that contributes to their’s and their children’s ability to not just survive but thrive. We have abundant agricultural land, a temperate climate, free irrigation in the form of endless rain, and access to a coastline. The only reason that this equality of food wealth does not exist is because those of us who already have these things have forgotten what it might be like to not have them (or have never experienced need). We forget the problem exists. I forget the problem exists.

In this case I need to regularly peer out of my “castle walls” like the prince Siddhartha Gautama (who later became better known as “Buddha”) so famously did and then be genuinely curious about the nature of suffering outside my personal boundaries of privilege and relative comfort. This for me is not the easy thing to do. I grew up not having enough money to buy the luxury foods I take for granted now and I like forgetting about that kind of life.

But this semi-conscious food poverty amnesia is souring the digestion of my organic yogurt at more regular frequency. With this recent food challenge I remembered what it was like to fret in an aisle over the cost of a food item.  With this food challenge I aim to remember a bit more every day and with every meal. In the end I think it will do me as much good as I could for anyone else because the pure act of living my intentions to be the change will resolve the conflict between theory and action that invisibly eats away at me in every moment these are out of alignment.

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So the challenge continues. The first phase was to eat out of the cupboards and not waste any food. My goal was to drop our monthly food budget from between $800-$900 to $400. We easily achieved this. This next phase though will up the ante and continue at the same budget without relying as much on withdrawals from our cupboard “savings.” The catch is that I still want to make sure we are eating healthy whole food that fulfills the nutritional, taste, and time needs of our family while eating food that is respectful of the farmers and land it is grown on. Otherwise, I will be more likely to “forget” again and slip into old habits.

While I want to make sure that Shima and the local mother I know are not forgotten, I also want my son to grow up learning to apply compassion as a daily practice of joy rather than seeing it as a sacrifice he can choose to make when he feels like it. If he also develops a healthy relationship with food would’t that be a gift? Wish us luck!

Intentionality and Impact

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” Jane Goodall

A couple of weekends ago I experienced the true impact of meditation and being intentional about carrying this practice into my daily life.

It started with my very first real meditation session about a year ago where I felt so squirmy and uncomfortable with the stillness that I literally had to fight the urge to crawl out of my own skin to get out of the circle of quiet and run from the room to escape the discomfort. It was an oppressive feeling of claustrophobia as if the world and that room had begun to close in around me. I could feel a scream emerging from my body that only I could hear and when I left the group session that day I vowed I would never return. This is anxiety sitting.

I never did return to a group meditation session. But I have since learned to sit with the discomfort of being alone with my own mind. To calm the fear of stillness and all that creeps out of the deeper crevices of the subconscious in that stillness.

Since I have begun taking meditation seriously and committed to a daily practice I have learned to be still in other moments as well. In moments where the situation I am in pokes me and the resulting discomfort drives me to retreat, to move, and to avoid the sharp poky end of what I am experiencing.

I have frequently taken to heart the need to practice Buddhist ethics, meditation and mindfulness in daily life and I have slowly begun to punctuate a day using deep breathing and being present in the moment. This is pretty surface level practice though I see in hindsight and only the beginnings of awareness and intentional movement through a day. I never realized the power of practice outside the meditation session until I experienced meditating with my eyes open sitting across from someone in an uncomfortable situation.

Recently, I was sitting having a conversation with someone I have a lot of history and particular difficulties with. I instantly felt the same feeling of the need for flight that I did that first day in group meditation. This is the feeling of not being able to escape physically, to counter the anxiety with movement, which results in the sensation of a brewing electrical storm spreading through the nervous system with no external outlet to direct the energy.

Then, I found myself suddenly practicing. I let go. I found my center. I parked my mind in the present and I collected the parts of the moment I was grateful for. I sent my mind’s stories about the situation packing and wrapped a comforting blanket of compassion around both of us. I practiced a form of loving-kindness meditation while sitting and having a cup of tea, at my kitchen table, with someone who I have had a hard time sitting with for some time.

The result was a slow and peaceful conversation where time felt still and I was aware of my slow heartbeat, the calm that washed over us both, and the release of a static electric anxiety that usually bounced back and forth between us.

In this moment I experienced the benefits of daily practice and of a commitment to the practice as a way of life.

A few weeks later Donald Trump was elected President-elect in the United States, and I was sent on a trip to fear and despair for two days. I got lost in the what ifs and whys. I let anger cloud my judgement and perspective. I looked for other people to blame. However, in a quite unlikely and uncharacteristically quick turnaround, I began to see the event with less distortion.

Although the election of such an angry and opportunistic man is no joke I began to absorb the more neutral and positive perspectives on the event in addition to the negative and to stop my mind from running all sorts of doomsday scenarios. The election of this man was a cry of help from those potentially most left out in the cold from the global economic system. We can listen to them now and offer them compassion and a voice.

The white middle liberal class (of which I am a part of) that used our words and good intentions to support African Americans, Latinos, Muslims, Jews, women, the LGBTQ community, and racialized people of all stripes have realized quite concretely that pontificating from our comfortable middle class living rooms and office’s isn’t nearly enough. As Rebecca Solnit recently pointed out we are too comfortable with the status quo in this group to get deep into the discomfort of social change. And, I realized that Trump is a symptom of a growing malignancy in the current economic system that we all participate in that until only now have we wanted to truly face.

I stopped. I cleared my head. I began to look for my own role in this historical event and future related ones. I began to practice compassion for the “other side.” I started to use this mindfulness and compassion to begin thinking about how I can be part of the solution.

When I practice in daily life, not just on the cushion, I find I am far more aware of my impacts on others and can choose to be intentional about those impacts. I still am prone to make mistakes, lash out in a bad mood, use harsh words out of frustration, and act out of a place of anger and hurt rather than reflection and compassion. What is different is the speed at which I catch myself in a tailspin. It used to be never or infrequently. I might not even notice my emotions taking control of the cockpit. Over time it takes less and less time to catch the story taking hold, the driving emotion of the moment, and the impact my actions are having on others. I correct course quicker. I come to a place of compassion quicker. I calm the storm of my heart and mind at the speed of a moment or few hours rather than a whole day, year or lifetime.

We each only have this one chance to live this life we are in. We never know when our time will come. It could be today. What the practice of slowing down to meditate and be deeply mindful has begun to teach me is that each moment of this life can be as sweet or as sour as we choose it to be. But I cannot make any choice at all unless I am aware there is a choice to be made and this awareness is activated only by the yeast of daily contemplation.

the world is our backyard

I have always dreamed of having a big piece of property full of fruit trees, gardens, and open spaces. A place where my children and their imaginations could run free. Perhaps a part of this is the small taste that I had of this as a child on Lasqueti Island where for a brief time we spent our days on a 25 acre piece of wild land that was ours to explore.

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slow parenting & zen child lessons

Parenting for me has been a journey of self discovery. Never have I questioned myself so much or wanted to be more of a better person than since my son was born. He has taught me a great deal about life and about how truly selfless and selfish I can often be.

I was originally going to write this post about how my husband and I are such great models of slow parenting. We have both dedicated time away from work to be with him, I nursed him for 2  1/2 years (a major badge of pride and an unfortunate fate for my breasts), we make a lot of our food from scratch with organic local ingredients etc., and blah blah blah. You would be so proud. Or, even likelier, sick from all the self congratulation.

Instead, I’d like to tell a story about how my little boy has taught me the greatest wisdom I have learned in all my life. All the things I think I have given him are actually lessons he has taught me.

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adding the small & school lunches

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How to live sustainably is often framed as an exercise in subtraction. We are admonished to reduce here, lower there, and do with less. I have long struggled with this negative approach. It is based on a language and culture of sacrifice and depends on the ongoing goodwill and self discipline of the individual. It is not particularly motivating to always be taking things away. Also, I have read that we each only have so much willpower each day. Each time we say “no” to something the next no gets that much harder.

A similar approach is used to encourage people to eat healthy diets. Take away the fat, take away the carbs, take away the sugar…minus, minus, minus. What happens when you are not allowed to eat potato chips? Do you think about them constantly? Do you crave them more intensely than you ever would if you were allowed to have them? I do.

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a journey to peace: 6 1/2

Anxiety and fear have ruled me my whole life. Both have been my mantra, my direction, and in some moments my savior. But, living in a state of fear and anxiety rots the soul, and the body, and spreads that rot to all who come into contact with it. I was given the gift of facing death in the last five years. Looking directly at your own mortality is like looking into the vastness of space. It gives you perspective.

Continue reading “a journey to peace: 6 1/2”